..

Unremitting torment with no reprieve. Severely tortured. Traumatised for life and a perpetually unquiet mind.

This is MY body. MINE.
Stop.
Please don't. Don't take it away from me.

- Lena Helen Pavlotski

Initial draft of “Am I too hard?” COPYRIGHT HELEN PAVLOTSKI 17th of December 2012

Am I too hard

Or am I right?

Am I just a retard?

Never shall I evermore endeavor

to being clever,

Not near close at being an avant-garde poet,

Caught off-guard with my at most mediocre dribble

Form of art and to which to you I do impart.

Writing with this nonexistent imaginary organ,

More like an artificial heart.

Let's go further and say I have no brain

And therefore I cannot be remotely smart.

Perhaps I'll change my last name?

Does Kohut have a ring to it?

How does it sound?

Perhaps then I shall bound

To the speed of sound

Onwards and upwards,

Sky-high;

Above the ground.

Will I live in relative anonymity?

Wouldn't life be oh so pretty?

Move into the country with the animals

Right away from the dwellings of the city.

Perhaps then I'd accept my problems with composure and with equanimity.

Oh but Lena!

You must learn!

Oh how I yearn to truly understand the importance of asserting and taking pride in oneself.

Am I just inconveniencing myself by continuing to loathe and insult myself?

When will it ever be enough?

Saying that I like myself is really an awkward bluff.

Should I change to a rough and tough exterior?

How can I when inside I feel so inferior.

I overflow and am overfilled with hatred and despair..

How can I expect anyone to love me when for myself 

I really do not care.

While I ponder this over and over others wonder today what shall I wear.

Really? Oh really?

Is this really fair?

I haven't a clue, I do not quite know what to do and I continue to wonder;

Into nothingness I stare

Gazing

Above

And beyond.

Daily scrounging

To find peace that of a turtle dove

But for now

I am

Lounging; sunlight beating down its' glare,

Pare shavings of skin; stripping me bare

Sitting, unwittingly in a chair, old and in a state of disrepair.

Written by Helen Pavlotski COPYRIGHT 2012

2am November the 20th 2012 - Eating chocolate - Cadbury Dairy Milk CARAMELLO 55g bar (2nd bar in the past few hours so, 110g of chocolate in the past few hours) .. Trying to sleep.. just about to have a cold shower because I feel really warm.

Ice Cube - Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It (Official Video)

- I don't listen to much rap but I actually really like this song.

I love Lil Kim. I also like Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Lupe Fiasco 

and some others (I'm particularly bad at remembering names 

right now after my first session of the 6-12 [sessions] rounds 

of

electro-convulsive therapy). 

Ice cube can be good. I particularly like this song of his 

(above link).

George Carlin - Dealing with BS Part 1

Uploaded by WiseUpWorld on Aug 29, 2010

George Carlin - 2008 - It's Bad for Ya! - Dealing with BS Part 1

*BRILLIANT*

Recited Poem - "A moment of (strength)" © 2012 by Ariana Sexton-Hughes, all rights reserved. ALL CREDIT GOES TO ARIANA SEXTON-HUGHES + Day 1 of Electro-Convulsive Therapy (1st ECT session of 6-12 [sessions] round of ECT sessions; 21st [right-unilateral electro-convulsive therapy] session in the past year); video includes showing off my outfit :P

Poem - "A moment of (strength)"   


© 2012 by Ariana Sexton-Hughes, 


all rights reserved.



ALL CREDIT GOES TO ARIANA SEXTON-

HUGHES.

After Electro-Convulsive Therapy session 21 (first ECT session of this hospitalization)